OH MY GOD!

I'm back feeling despondent all over again just about how everything that is sailing in my way now. I really do not like sympathizing myself with my endless house-wrecking issues but I do feel like I am enslaved to clean up the mess of everyone. I am desperately crying for help every night. Its hard being the one who have to carry a staunch and strong mask for everyone to look up to. I DON'T HAVE THE SOLUTIONS TO EVERYTHING YOU KNOW? yet you all come back to beg for help. I am not a selfish person. Maybe I am programmed to be like this. It is always "YES" that will blurt out from my mouth. How can I allow my family to suffer right?  When will everything fall into place for me? I never ask for anything.. I just want to be happy. That's it but apparently it is the hardest thing to do. Maybe I am over-looking at things.. I don't know.

My father's addiction of gambling have been very intense. Just this year, I have cleared SG$7000 for creditors debts cause they kept harassing my family and even threatened to collect the cash at my workplace and my sisters. 61 years old and still makes his family suffer along with him. GUESS WHAT? He has started his nonsense again and to add on to this botheration, he chooses when to come home. good job. I never ask him to be the richest or intelligent father but PLEASE grow up! As much as I want to forgive all the evil deeds he have implicated on us in the past, he does things to drive that intention aside.

I made a pact with my finance to save up 10k for my family usage for rainy days which I am very sure we will need it and I made it. 2 years for diligent saving. yes yes yes 2 YEARS. along the way, family problems kicked in and as usual, LULU, to the rescue. I really felt secure when I managed to accomplished it. Soon after I explained to my mother of my 'secret' stash for the family, my aunt from Canada, called and begged for help to pay her house mortgage. GOSH where are her dear children? Shouldn't they be her first life line? She is your mother for heaven's sake. Seeing my mother cry was the hardest thing to watch so yes....LULU, to the rescue again. 3000 credited to her account. My father opened a business years back and they made a great loss. He got an aunt of mine to invest in the business and he totally blank out the part of paying back so my mum carried the burden of paying back every cent he owed. 13k is a lot of many. We aren't rich. (As you can possibly tell) so we paid via installment. $200 per month was all that we could afford to return but we do make it a point to religiously pay her back punctually. 2 months back,  my aunt called me and seek help to loan 3000 to help a friend and I mentioned that I do not have much in hand..out of nowhere, she changed the subject and voiced out for us to increase the loan payment to 300 so that the debt could be cleared faster. and yes... drat this but I cleared the remaining 3000 debt we had with her..and surprisingly enough its the same amount she needed for the loan for her friend.

I never liked thee idea of having an possession that is beyond my capability to pay for. I have advised my mum endless time about not getting a car for the family but through the coaxing of my brother, we had a car. I cannot even populate the number of fines for illegal parking he have possessed in the 4 years. Recently he met with an accident. The car was badly damaged. DRIVE THE CAR AT NIGHT AGAIN ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE ASTIGMATISM!  withdrew another 1000. 

My 10k effort have vanished within 3 months. heartbreaking? Definitely. I feel like I am the only one worried and saving for 'hard times'. I mean my mum helps too but she pays for utilities and groceries every month. That's already very taxing. Everyone else is taking it so easily. 

My boss was very supportive of me to go back and pursue my degree studies. With my situation at home, there is no way I am ever going to be able to go back and study. I've reflected so much on it and realized that studying was the only thing that calms me and take me off problems during my poly days. I felt that it was a good deal for me to take it up and build a better future for myself. My boss was very accommodating. He even volunteered to pay for my education BUT when the date drew near for the school fees to be paid, my boss turned his back on me and ignored my messages. OF course there was no way that I am gonna text him repeatedly about it. Its not nice. 

So, here I am staring at the pc screen. Looking at the amount to be paid for the first semester. If I had my own cash, *sigh* I un-clicked all of the courses I wanted to master in and  exit the university account. Maybe its just not meant to be. I know there is still study loan but the bank interests!! I am already have another bank loan for my brother's car. 

I took the step for getting engaged. Now I wonder if I am doing the right thing. He is a nice chap. I am tired of explaining my woes to him cause he cannot help me much and being too dependent on a man will only make things more ugly. After awhile you will just realise that you cant solve anything without him. I was so upset today after withdrawing the cash my brother so I decided to take a long walk home with didi accompanying me. I could utter anything cause I felt annoyed with thoughts suppressing me...he just kept asking me WHATS WRONG. I thought I could be read like a book to him. I just blurted that it was nothing he could help me with. He responsed "So I came all the way here to hear this?"..I really need someone financially stable to help out and he doesn't have it. I understand his state too..sharing my problems with him is just SHARING. 

Right now, I feel like I have been defeated by whatever comes my way. Yes FEELING like a loser. I lose while others gain. I feel like the only way out now is to drop the uni offer and just work. I dont know if I want to get married anymore. I just feel like sharing up for my family again and start a new life on my own you know? Be in an excluded place where I can have a peace of mind. This thought seems more appealing now. It really does ):

I don't know who I can turn to at this point of time. Telling friends, is still like SHARING. It does not make me feel better cause their advice would be...take one thing at a time. DUH. I am doing that. I know. I hate blabbering about my life to them...everyone talks about the optimistic point of view but SERIOUSLY emotionally i'm broken. My family is penniless. Its just me saving everyone's backside. If only fairy god-mothers' exist. 

2 more days before the closure of the university dateline. take a deep breathe. shall ignore it. 

-lulu

So much for having to be good and active in whatever I do when I know that it brings nothing but the norm outcome. Am I just expecting too much for myself to achieve? Am I not trying hard enough or am I the least likable person in this planet? All I ever wanted is better life for my family and myself. Having to applause for others whom I personally feel have done lesser than I had, was by far the hardest thing to swallow. I really feel my time have been wasted here. I am not seeking attention but it would be nice to have the organisation recognizing my hard work. What will become of me when my contract ends? Will I still have a place here? Do I still have to work doubly hard to sustain a position and just be a norm grader. Stay Unknown and cry to myself in the office?

Life is unfair. Too much test. I want it to end so bad.

The suckiest place to be right now is home. After 7 years of freedom from money lenders, things have stirred up again at home. DISGUSTING. I have finally lost all respect for my father. Debts after debts. No point doing any savings. It all goes to uncalled debts. Build a future of my own? Ya right. Cos money goes on trees? 

I must have done many evils deeds in my past to be slapped with all these shit. REALLY. 

I am exerting all my energy to pretend to be alright but in reality I really feel like I am being eaten alive.

Whats hope? I seriously do not  know. I am not happy even living. At this point of time, I just wish I could give my life to someone else. Too much cruelty out here. Its just too painful. 

Worthless one.

Everything Has Changed 

 I am not a fan of her. She is very princess like. So fragile. But Kudos to this song!

If I ever get married, this is a song that I would like to sing with my better half on the platform. AHHH!! Dreaming away!

The sudden urge to blog has finally strike me. *YAY* Another 7 days of a well-deserved break before a new school term begins. I am really looking forward to my trip to Bangkok this Friday but somehow I do feel a sense of insecurity of leaving my mother back home alone. I do have beautiful siblings but they are definitely not the 'Interpersonal' kinda person. When you reach a certain age (Menopause), you tend to feel rather lonely and the need of people to listen and be by your side 24/7, can be rather 'essential'. I am not entirely implicating that they don't relate to her well. Being young, its norm to want to enjoy and craft a life that you want it to be. Do what other kiddos our age would be doing. I get that. So, I am left to take that stand and be with her more. Not Complaining. 

Argh! I can't shake this apprehensive feeling off. I am pretty sure it is going to deteriorate some of my attention in Bangkok. >:C

I hope my S$500/- splurge there is going to get me loads of loots!! I know somehow I am going to have a HEART ATTACK seeing mass of shops to pump my $$ in. I probably might not even have any left to noms noms. 

Ok so these are my rough list of things  I am gotta acquire when I am there.

1) 5 funky pants (Versatile ones that I can wear for work)

2) 5 tops

3) 2 scandals

4) 2 shoes

5) 1 scandals for mama

6) makeup kit

7) Bags (For some of the teachers)

8) Souvenirs

Apart from this list...I still wanna go to some of the places of attractions. *SHOOTS*

The nerves are kicking in already. Wait, I have my BARGAIN KING with me. So, that should not be much of an issue.